One of my bigger issues to be solved
Boundaries are so important and they move across different dimensions of ones life. One someone violates a boundary, and nothing is spoke about it, it creates discord and disharmony. Let’s say person A says something that really bothers person B, and person A doesn’t know as person B doesn’t speak up about it, then person A is in a tough spot. I have this problem still. I still violate boundary conditions. For example, photography.
Photography is amazing, I love taking photos and preserving my memory. I decided to take photos and videos of all these different things, and IDK looking back it’s sort of gross. It is gross. I made people uncomfortable when recording alot of the time, and there is no need for that. This new eink phone will be much more standard for me. It will only take photos, that way I can take pictures of the moments that count. What do I want to remember? That’s what it is all about. It’s about images that invoke freedom. Images that inspire. Images that make you sad. I want to look back at the hard times, I also don’t need to keep every aspect from the hard times or harder times. Hard times are good though as hard times allow one to reflect on what they did wrong and behaviors they did that were wrong.
Have y’all seen the one Black Mirror episode though? Where the dude has everything recorded through his eyes, and it ruins his relationship with his current partner? It destroys his life.
Dudeeeee, it’s like the black mirror episode where everyone has a social credit score and then the one lady has a mental breakdown over it. I couldn’t handle watching that, as that holds shame for me. Shame of being judged, I can’t handle criticism very well.
Like I had a beer at a party, and it was totally mine, and instead of admitting it was my beer, I was nervous about that boundary violation, of acting like a clutz, and that shame stems back from being verbally abused as a child, whenever I did something that wasn’t standard behavior. The reason for my unstandard behavior stems from a multitude of factors. The television, video games, poor diet, poisonous education system. I also have physical mental impairments, and while a good diet, in terms of information, food, etc, still can’t fully heal the damage of genetic trauma. The genetic trauma as well isn’t talked about as much. Really scoping out the family tree, and understanding what that persons life was like, and understanding the compenents of my programming, or was to be. Programmed to be someone that you are not, and not being that person disappointing specific people. That’s toxic and immoral thinking. That’s slavethink! I am partaking in slave think with that mentality.
When it comes to bullying, bullies are all around us. Bullying doesn’t end in school, bullying happens beyond that. I remember I only got physical with someone first in senior year, and that dude brushed it off. Yes, back in high school I thrived off that system for a small town for a while, after high school I fell right back into my family units discord and disharmony. Truly detaching from that system is required for my growth. I firmly know that to be true within myself. Like old friends, who I can’t speak up to. I can’t speak up to them because they are bullies, and the reality of verbal abuse. Now, I would say that if I became like them, and became intense, people don’t like righteous anger. I wish, I could speak back to people when they are wrong, and saying something hurtful and getting into an argument. I have a really difficult time doing that, and instead I would just say something stupid for them to stop contacting me. That’s wrong of me, I need to tell them what THEY did wrong instead of wandering around it.
Person B should tell Person A what is wrong, and what the problem is, instead of hiding around it. If someone says something I don’t agree with, I need to say I don’t agree with these comments you are making or, I don’t see it that way, I guess we can agree to disagree. I notice though, that whenever I am open and honest about my worldview people may backaway, wish scares me. Ultimately, it stems from my fear of rejection, and wanting to have my needs met socially, when isolation honestly, is better than not being real. Like, I could chose to not be real, and keep all the social connections, or I could be more open and honest, and tell people how I feel on issues.
That comes from worldview disagreements, and my inability to do that also comes from a lack of research.If I research topics and I am confident about them, then I would be able to be more open about my worldview.
If I get anxious around someone, It’s not a good thing. I don’t think it’s a normal way of operation. Part of the fear stems from, being my true self, and understanding that my true self, is not the person who was taking photos and videos of everything, who has 10 different tvs and monitors, who watching stupid sitcoms, movies on repeat, hoards lego and junk of all sort. That was me. That hoarding tendencies coupled with strong addictions to television, media, video games, food, all junk. I have a personality that will latch onto something, and won’t do anything else until that issue is solved. So if there is a problem or anxiety about a relationship, the hyperfixation begins. Relationship with Apple shouldn’t exist, as I am morally opposed to soft that isn’t free. Apple, Google, Microsoft, Nintendo, all these big corporations, I don’t trust them with my data. Sadly, I spent the last 24 years neglecting my personal security and privacy, moral philosophy, due to the relationship with other people. Being a neo-luddite is scary!!! The judgement from others is what I am scared of yet, I know that it people would vibe with my energy. I don’t have to match what other people do, for them to love or respect me. I am not less than for not having dating apps. On multiple levels, the programming is strong. The programming to have dating apps, comes from the abuse of the dating app industry in my life. True, parts of this comes from the fact that I have been rejected, gotten into weird relationships with people off these apps. Learning that I was bonding with internet avatars not the true real person behind the phone. Having an eink phone will help loads will that. I’m down for some light texting and phone calls, I don’t want to have a relationship through social media. The reason why people are harder to talk to or get a hold of, is because they base relationships off social media. If I am constantly posting, and people reply to my posts that is a way of bonding online. I noticed that during my last breakup I was blocking the person off 15+ different apps. That is so weird, and just so icky, and the fact I had all those accounts disturbed me. Personal anxidotes aside, My life outside of the internet will be different, it will feel weird or exciting. It’s life beyond, programming.
“This is my website. These are my thoughts.” Talking about personal life is bound to happen on my blog, yet I want to focus more on my philosophy, stance on life, than stories. The stories help though, and add a extra level of depth. Telling a story is more fun, leaves more room for the imagination than watching a story.
Someone judged me for not wanting to use dating apps, as they use dating apps. Not using dating apps, at first, will obviously cut down your pool of potential relationships. I would say these apps are generally weird anyways, it’s so gross to shop for someone to sleep with. That’s how I used it. Absolutely. When I am not lying to myself and being truthful that I used dating apps to sleep with people due to a sex addiction stemming from pornography, as I don’t view people as people, I view specifically women as sex objects. Dating apps enhances that worldview further, when it is used that way.
The fear of losing friends when speaking up for yourself.
Anyways my eink phone comes in the mail today. I was inspired to write this. Focusing on the blog has been really nice. I haven’t been going to Yoga, that’s alright. I haven’t been running. Yet, my focus turned on changing my relationship with the evils of technology. I am doing well. I can keep it up.